Let’s ease back into this whole blogging thing with a simple link…
Random Thoughts From People Our Age is inside my head. I’ve had roughly 90% of these thoughts before - funny stuff.
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Back in 2003, in the days of my old weblog, See The Donkey, there was a segment I used to do on Celebrity Email. There was a public site called celebrityemail.com where people could write open letters to celebrities under the delusion that the celebrities actually checked their emails there. Comedy gold.
I stumbled on the link this morning in some old files and was pleased to find out the site still exists.
Not knowing who to search for, I checked out the top celebrities, where I found the following message to Keanu Reeves:
| Date | 03/24/09 | ||
| Subject | hey keanu reeves | ||
| im a tremendous keanu fan your a great actor my name is max mace im 17 and ive already been in a short movie called “Hatched” im trying to become an actor and i know your busy but it would be an honor to talk to you it really would um anyways im not asking for a call or anything haha but if you want to email me id be so thankful anyways my email i thank you keanu your fan max mace | |||
I couldn’t resist, so I googled Max Mace and got his IMDB page. As of today he is down 31% in popularity. That makes me sad.
Let’s help the kid out - google “Max Mace Hatched” and click on his IMDB page - let’s give him a boost.
While we help out Max, let’s try and avoid Carrie, who also wrote to Keanu.
| Date | 01/03/09 | ||
| Subject | I know this is going to be stupid sorry | ||
| I know this that I am going to write is going to seem so stupid as well as that you will never read this so I am writing this to make me feel better. I try not to watch very many of your movies. What happened to the real you and what you do that you think makes you happy will only make you worse in the end. Sorry it’s not just your movies I try not to watch but many other actors I can feel their true feelings and some are not pleasant and others very scary yours are confussing like you have lost part of yourself and you can see it but never reach it. Like I said this is crazy but I must get it out so I can clean my mind. Carrie | |||
Funny, as crazy and creepy as Carrie is, I like how she got a “confusing” vibe from Keanu.
But if you think Carrie was creepy, have a look at this letter to Jennifer Aniston from her best friend…
| Date | 04/24/09 | ||
| Subject | jeniffer aniston | ||
| hi! you are my best celebrite ever i wish i could see you in real life your funny aswell especialy in friends anway your the best and my best friend even though i havent seen you im a girl and i hope i see you | |||
That whole “I’m a girl” thing at the end rings a little false, doesn’t it?
“I love you and you are the bestest and, oh, by the way, in no way am I a creepy 50 year old man…”
Also, lesson number 4 in celebrity letter writing: Never end your email with “I hope I see you.”
That’s right, I’m giving lessons. I’m here to help these people out.
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It’s like they are not even trying any more…
When was the last time the subject “Discount CialisViagra from $1.20″ made it through any kind of spam filter?
I’ll give a bit of credit to the guy who entered “Become the owner of exquisite and stylish thing”, but even that is fairly obvious.
It makes me sad - clearly the industry has given up hope, has lost it’s way and now they are just phoning it in. Who will lead them?
Alan M Ralsky or Ronald Scelson?
I’m used to a bit of entertainment when deleting my spam folder… let’s hope these guys can start raising the bar a little bit…
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Cherry Blossoms. Lost in Translation only older, sadder and 100% more German.
Alien Trespass. The kind of movie your parents saw at the drive-in before spending an hour up at the point.
And don’t pretend your parents never went to the point.
The Velveteen Rabbit. What looks like a made-for-TV version of the much-beloved tale that somehow made it onto the big screen.
Big Man Japan. The animation in the trailer is sketchy, but the plot summary is the best of the night.
“A middle-aged slacker living in a rundown, graffiti-ridden slum, Daisato’s job involves being shocked by bolts of electricity that transform him into a stocky, stick-wielding giant several stories high who is entrusted with defending Japan from a host of bizarre monsters. But while his predecessors were national heroes, he is a pariah among the citizens he protects, who bitterly complain about the noise and destruction of property he causes. And Daisato has his own problems -an agent insistent on branding him with sponsor advertisements, an Alzheimer-afflicted grandfather who transforms into a giant in dirty underwear, and a family who is embarrassed by his often cowardly exploits.”
Brilliant.
American Violet. Woman fights for family and self when accused of involvement in drugs. Rich vs. poor. Custody battles. A perfectly boring trailer tells the whole story.
And finally, the new Transformers trailer. Still no sign of Soundwave though.
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President Obama,
You should not smoke when you are president! There are simple reasons. Because you will die by smoking, and then you will not be president! But I want you to be.
Your No. 1 fan,
David Lopez, age 7
Los Angeles
———-
This, and other child letters to Obama, are posted over on McSweeney’s.
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It starts with “Thou Shalt Not List Every Movie, TV Show, Band and Book You Have Ever Heard Of In Your Profile” and gets funnier from there.
The Ten Commandments of Facebook
So far as yet I haven’t broken any of these, but I’m hoping some friends of mine read this… a nice, passive-aggressive way of me letting them know how they might be appearing to others…
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The Next Chapter serves fairly traded organic goods.