Stepa One: Firsta we gonna talk abouta whatta breakafast is, okay? Okay. Breakafast, in case you diddinoe, is ashually made up ofa three little words: Break-a-fast. You gotta fast? Of course you do, you just bin sleepin’ for eight hours you lazy bum, so now it’s time to break it by eatin’ some food. But, because you are sucha lazy bum, you didin do no groceries yeta this week. That’sa okay, that’sa why you reada Chef Pincotti’s Recipe Corner, no? Yes.

Okay, so you look in the frigerator an all you see is the following: two pieces of a stale bread, aliddlebidabudda anda one tomato with some fuzzy stuff on it. Dohn looka likea much, yes? No. What you dohn realize is that you eyes is trained to a overlook invisible ingredients, and once youa train you eyes to fine these invisible ingredients you will fine that, even when you are a lazy bum, you can eata like a king.

Whatsa that? Behinda the butta at the back. No, notta the water jug, the other thing. Baking soda, right? Lemme tell you a thing or two abouta baking soda, okay? Okay. Alotta people juss use baking soda to odiferate their frigerator. Odiferate isa French by the way, and it mean “makea smella nice”. But what they dohn realize is thata you can eat it too, although I dohn recommend it all by itself; it’sa butta one of Chef Pincotti’s invisible ingredients.

So takea out you bread, butta, fuzzy tomato anda you baking soda and look in the freezer. Nothin, right? Wrong. You gotta ice, dohn you? Even if you ain got no cubes of ice, just chip a little off the side of you freezer. Ice is a gooda invisible ingredient to remember, so take it out. Now putta the fuzzy tomato ina the blender with the ice. Dohn worry abouta the fuzzy part. Did you know thata in you life you eat at lease eight spiders in you sleep? I dohn think a little fuzzy is gonna hurt you.

Okay, now, you wanna take you bread an put some butta on each side anna put it ina you frying pan. While that getsa nice and hot, look in you cupboard for either some vanilla extract or somea powdered chicken stock, either one willa do for what you need. You gotta cubes of beef stock instead? Put ‘em in. You dohn got vanilla but you gotta some tabasco sauce and table salt? Put ‘em in. Whatever things you got in you cupboard, put ‘em in. Okay? Okay.

Okay, so you gotta the bread ana the butta and whatever you got from you cupboard, an it’sa all gettin hot an smellin a good in you fryin’ pan, anna maybe you girlfriend is waking up with a smile on her face because of the nice smell, no? Or maybe she waking up with a smile because of what you two did lass nite, I dohn know and I dohn wanna know, unless you took some pictures. But whatta about you baking soda? Right now all you gotta is toast with stuff on it. What you need to do my friend is adda the baking soda for texture. It’ll makea you toast a little tough and gritty, kinda like sandtoast, ohnly it dohn tase like no sand. It tase like vanilla, or tabasco chicken, or peppery olive oil or whatever you put on it.

Now, the lass ingredient. After you takea the toast outta you fryin pan, pour out you tomato and ice chunky paste on top of it. It’s a nicea cool treat ona you toast, kind of like a jam but not really. The best thing is thata the blender did somea gooda blendin an the fuzzy can’t be seen no more. Bam! You done. Put ‘em on you plate anna bring it into you girlfriend for some nice breakafast in bed. She gonna ask you whatsa in it, but dohn you tell her? Why? Because truss me, women likea a bitta mystery ina the men they date. Juss tell her it’s Russian toast, which is kinda like French Toast, only tougher.

Oh yeah, onea more thing: dohn forget to putta the baking soda away beforea you girlfriend gets up. Truss me, it’ll makea more questions than you gotta answers for right now in you career as a world class chef such as myself.

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Yesterday I threw a teddy bear at a baby’s head.

I didn’t know the baby, I didn’t know the mother. They were strangers sharing the same public space as me.

A group of us were at the CNE, taking a much needed break in the shade, when I started to get antsy. My break was over and I was ready to get on with the fun.

Recognizing my friends weren’t as eager to move on as I was I searched for something to occupy my time with. I asked to borrow a friend of mine’s stuffed animals, prizes he’d won earlier in the day: a long purple snake and a small brown fuzzball of a teddy bear.

Naturally, Teddy bear Baseball came to mind.

Now here is the part where I have to say that I fully did not expect the snake to hold up as well as it did. I fully expected the bear to be too heavy to travel any distance whatsoever and that the snake’s weight would not hold up once contact was made.

Boy was I wrong.

After a bit of a windup the bear flew, over my friends heads and right at a lady sitting at the next picnic table over. She was holding a baby in front of her and she brought the baby down just as the bear went whizzing over both of their heads.

I don’t embarrass easily (see: pictures of Lee in the CooCoo Hause Fun House earlier that afternoon) but I could not even look the mother in the face. I apologized profusely, and I think my apologies amused them as they seemed to take everything well enough. They also appreciated my friend’s token of the stuffed animals, giving up his snake and his beloved bear to the child as we left the rest area.

All in all, not as bad an outcome as it might have been.

After googling “throwing things at babies” and seeing only 8 results (that puts me in quite a prestigious crowd!) I came across a news story reported in a blog about an American man who threw his water in a crying baby’s face on a plane.

The result?

His immediate deportation upon his arrival in Brazil.

That’s much worse than the situation I find myself in right now.

All I have to do is find a replacement bear.

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Filed under: Life Happens

I’ve added a sketch over in my writing section called Missed Childhood. It went over very well in a sketch showcase a couple of years ago and there’s even a music download involved!

Check it out and feel free to leave any comments on it here.

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Filed under: Writing

Tomorrow my vacation takes a decidedly different tone.

For the past eleven days I have been out of the city. I have been away from my friends, my cell phone reception and, until only a couple days ago, I have been away from my internet.

Tomorrow we drive back to the city for the remainder of my time off and already there are plans for drinks, for outings, for volleyball and karaoke. We have these things up here but they differ slightly.

Karaoke up this way is called a campfire.

This holiday started the Thursday before last, leaving directly from work and making the four and a half hour drive up to the cottage, where I promptly said goodbye to my wife and drove the 45 minutes into town where, at 6:00 a.m., the menfolk would be leaving for our fishing trip.

Three days. Log cabin. Trout-filled lake. Fish frys served off of the truck tailgate and barbecued steak. Card playing. Beer.

I know, I’m tempted to make an “Insert grunt here” type of joke, but there is something to be said for this kind of camaraderie. It’s not the type of atmosphere you want to live in of course, but as a once-a-year getaway, it’s good times.

The drive there was long - the kind of road that takes three hours to drive 122 kilometres - as we headed into the backwoods of Quebec, away from everything. The fishing was fantastic. I’ve never had so many fish and of such a good size in my life.

The company was hilarious as well. A mix of old and young. Fishing and hunting war stories mixed with emo hairstyles and Nintendo DS, and my brother-in-law and myself caught in that middle generation, understanding both and bridging the gap.

On Sunday we rejoined the womenfolk at the cottage and this is where I’ve been since. It’s been a week of barbecues and fishing, rainy day dominoes and afternoon naps. I can’t tell you how much this decompression was needed.

And tomorrow the second half of our perfectly balanced vacation begins and we return to our busy lives in the city.

As good as this past week has been, and as much as I feel I fit in with this Country Mouse environment, I think I’m feeling ready for that return.

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Filed under: Life Happens