Stepa One: Firsta we gonna talk abouta whatta breakafast is, okay? Okay. Breakafast, in case you diddinoe, is ashually made up ofa three little words: Break-a-fast. You gotta fast? Of course you do, you just bin sleepin’ for eight hours you lazy bum, so now it’s time to break it by eatin’ some food. But, because you are sucha lazy bum, you didin do no groceries yeta this week. That’sa okay, that’sa why you reada Chef Pincotti’s Recipe Corner, no? Yes.

Okay, so you look in the frigerator an all you see is the following: two pieces of a stale bread, aliddlebidabudda anda one tomato with some fuzzy stuff on it. Dohn looka likea much, yes? No. What you dohn realize is that you eyes is trained to a overlook invisible ingredients, and once youa train you eyes to fine these invisible ingredients you will fine that, even when you are a lazy bum, you can eata like a king.

Whatsa that? Behinda the butta at the back. No, notta the water jug, the other thing. Baking soda, right? Lemme tell you a thing or two abouta baking soda, okay? Okay. Alotta people juss use baking soda to odiferate their frigerator. Odiferate isa French by the way, and it mean “makea smella nice”. But what they dohn realize is thata you can eat it too, although I dohn recommend it all by itself; it’sa butta one of Chef Pincotti’s invisible ingredients.

So takea out you bread, butta, fuzzy tomato anda you baking soda and look in the freezer. Nothin, right? Wrong. You gotta ice, dohn you? Even if you ain got no cubes of ice, just chip a little off the side of you freezer. Ice is a gooda invisible ingredient to remember, so take it out. Now putta the fuzzy tomato ina the blender with the ice. Dohn worry abouta the fuzzy part. Did you know thata in you life you eat at lease eight spiders in you sleep? I dohn think a little fuzzy is gonna hurt you.

Okay, now, you wanna take you bread an put some butta on each side anna put it ina you frying pan. While that getsa nice and hot, look in you cupboard for either some vanilla extract or somea powdered chicken stock, either one willa do for what you need. You gotta cubes of beef stock instead? Put ‘em in. You dohn got vanilla but you gotta some tabasco sauce and table salt? Put ‘em in. Whatever things you got in you cupboard, put ‘em in. Okay? Okay.

Okay, so you gotta the bread ana the butta and whatever you got from you cupboard, an it’sa all gettin hot an smellin a good in you fryin’ pan, anna maybe you girlfriend is waking up with a smile on her face because of the nice smell, no? Or maybe she waking up with a smile because of what you two did lass nite, I dohn know and I dohn wanna know, unless you took some pictures. But whatta about you baking soda? Right now all you gotta is toast with stuff on it. What you need to do my friend is adda the baking soda for texture. It’ll makea you toast a little tough and gritty, kinda like sandtoast, ohnly it dohn tase like no sand. It tase like vanilla, or tabasco chicken, or peppery olive oil or whatever you put on it.

Now, the lass ingredient. After you takea the toast outta you fryin pan, pour out you tomato and ice chunky paste on top of it. It’s a nicea cool treat ona you toast, kind of like a jam but not really. The best thing is thata the blender did somea gooda blendin an the fuzzy can’t be seen no more. Bam! You done. Put ‘em on you plate anna bring it into you girlfriend for some nice breakafast in bed. She gonna ask you whatsa in it, but dohn you tell her? Why? Because truss me, women likea a bitta mystery ina the men they date. Juss tell her it’s Russian toast, which is kinda like French Toast, only tougher.

Oh yeah, onea more thing: dohn forget to putta the baking soda away beforea you girlfriend gets up. Truss me, it’ll makea more questions than you gotta answers for right now in you career as a world class chef such as myself.

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