The good thing about all of the people I’ve stayed in contact with over the years is that they have a variety of special talents and areas of expertise. I plan to draw on this panel of wonderful folk and utilize their special gifts. They shall, on this website, from now on be simply referred to as The Experts.

Here what the experts have to say about September:

- there will be an altercation during a particularly hot and muggy week on the ferry between Toronto and Centre Island when someone refers to the weather as Indian Summer. No actual Indians will be involved.

- the price of gas will rise until it becomes more expensive than whiskey. Posters will encourage people to “Drink, and don’t drive.”

- someone will create a website about Miley Cyrus that has a countdown clock on it. The countdown will begin at 3 months, 14 days and 36 seconds. It will countdown to the exact moment she goes over-the-moon nuts. Seriously, that kid is a ticking bomb.

- the new 90210 will be the worst thing to hit television since According To Jim, but people will watch it anyway. Somewhere there will be a blog about the show.

- a kid will be made fun of for his back-to-school haircut and for not having a pencil sharpener that includes an MP3 player.

- the ice caps will continue to melt at a record-setting pace, thanks in large part to people like the numbnutses down my street who, this afternoon, have rented the largest stretch SUV limo I’ve ever seen and have left it idling while they were getting ready inside.

- Air Canada will charge a small fee for the inconvenience of having to rebook so many people due to Zoom’s bankruptcy, and then a $2.00 surcharge to cover the cost of the reformatting and text editing of their “fees” section on their website and e-tickets. You can opt out of paying these charges by rebooking with another airline.

- a kid will be made fun of, first of all, for eating a peanut on a dare when he knows he is allergic and, second of all, for not having a denim case for his EpiPen.

- somehow everyone will forget about the 23rd. We’ll all just go from the 22nd to the 24th and no-one will ask any questions, except the guy who runs the blog about the new 90210 wondering why it wasn’t on.

We’ll check back with the experts in October to see how many they got right!

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