Dear Hotel Security,

I would like to apologize on behalf of my friend who thought it was a good idea to steal 8 towels from the pool.  I also apologize if he creeped any pool-goers out when he walked into the pool area, drink in hand, surveying the scene.

I’m not sure where the towels ended up but, if things went as planned and they were tossed over the balcony, I apologize on behalf of my friend for that, too.

You have a very nice hotel.

Lee

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Dear cleaning ladies,

As you might notice, unless the guys took them down before checking out this morning, that there are six fake moustaches stuck to the window. I’m not sure you’ll be able to share in this humour, maybe it was a “you had to be there” kind of thing, but believe me when I say that fake moustaches are hilarious and that you should go out on the balcony and stand behind the moustache of your choice and have a friend take a picture.  You will have a good time doing this.

If you prefer, it was decided last night that the one “Rogue” moustache could easily be cut in half, thus providing you with two “Hitlers”.

As well, thank you in advance for doing the work you have ahead of you today.

Regards,

Lee

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Dear Ouzo,

My friend!  It has been far too long.  It was good to see you last night!  Glad to see you are keeping well.  I hope you didn’t take some of my friends’ disparaging remarks to heart - I think everyone enjoyed your company last night, no matter how much they complained.

I hope you weren’t looking forward to being set on fire, and sorry to disappoint if you were, we just didn’t think that was a good idea.  You know, what with the fake moustaches and all.

Thanks for coming out and hope to see you again soon, although not too soon.  You’ll understand if I need a few days for some personal space.  It’s not you, its me, don’t worry.

Cheers,

Lee

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Dear Stripper at Zanzibar,

I just wanted to let you know that we all discussed it afterwards and none of us could come up with any reasonable definition of what our friend meant when he asked you: “Are you Diesel or are you Unleaded?”

The best thing we could come up with a loose tie-in to the price of gas, and so he was likely wondering how expensive you were, but we agree that that is a very strange way to ask that information.

Also, when he introduced two of our friends as being from out of town, one having flown in from Denver, the other from Colorado… um, yeah.  Neither are from out of town and, as was pointed out just afterwards, Denver is in Colorado.  Thank you for playing along and humouring him.

I hope you had an enjoyable rest of your evening.

Lee

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Dear Jager,

Dude, what the fuck?  I thought we were friends.  I thought you had my back.  We’ve had some good times together but what the hell was wrong with you last night?

Were you upset that Ouzo came out?  Didn’t like me hanging around him?  Well, I’m sorry, but at least Ouzo didn’t blindside me last night. At least I know where I stand with Ouzo.

I’m honestly shocked at how you treated me and I think it would be a good idea for us to take a little break. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Lee

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