Writing - Miscellany

Check Mate

Seven of the clock. The bell in the church rang only twice- nobody noticed as they were giving their attention elsewhere. The man at the end of the graveyard held their attention in his hands. He was standing on top of a gravestone, his oddly shaped head silhouetted against the landscape dimmed by a tired sun.

Stop.
Why?
Read that over.
Okay.

Not good?
Could be better.
Go on….
You change your tenses too much. First line- you go from past to present. You do that all the time.
I do it on purpose.
On purpose?

It makes it more real. We switch tenses all the time in real life. It makes it more conversational. For example: “The other day I was walking down the street. I walk into a store and this guy says to me…” I dunno what he says, but my point is right there. Tell a story yourself sometime and you’ll see it.

You know I cannot do that.

Exactly. I know you think it’s one of the rules unbreakable, but you should learn to be a bit more forgiving.
That’s not what I’m here for.
I know. Believe me I know.
Okay, I understand that you understand it is one of the rules unbreakable, and thus I agree to your creative licensing in this case. By your logic this switching of tenses makes it more conversational; however, this story begins very mythically, not your ordinary everyday conversation. Thus breaking the rules unbreakable is one thing, but to do so under mislogic…

I see what you’re saying. Fine how about:

The bell in the church rang only twice but nobody noticed; something else had kidnapped their attention.

Better, now use a different word than “attention” in the next sentence. It is repetitive.

Agreed. How’s this then?

Seven of the clock. The bell in the church rang only twice but nobody noticed; something else had kidnapped their attention. The man at the end of the graveyard had been watched since five, the crowd growing every hour. He was standing on top of a gravestone, his oddly shaped head silhouetted against the landscape dimmed by a tired sun.

Good. Now we are getting somewhere.
I may continue?
Yes.

One more thing.
What?
I like that last sentence. It is very poetic, very mysterious.
Thank you.
You are welcome.
Hey…
Yes?
Is “mislogic” a word?
No.
Yet you use it?
The creation of new words is not one of the rules unbreakable.
Is that your reason for using it?
That is root reason, yes.
Does it make you feel free?
It merely increases the space between my walls. There are still walls.
But you must feel something like freedom, operating outside of the rules like that?

The creation of new words is outside of the normal parameters yes, but still within the larger rule structure. I am not operating outside of any rules. In fact, the nature of the word itself is not far removed from normal parameters as it sounds very much like a real word and the meaning of it is clear. I have not done anything that radical.
Like when I did that pastiche on Lewis Carroll?
I did not know where to begin with that nonsense.
That’s why I only asked for your help the once.

What are you waiting for?
I’m trying to think. I don’t really know where to go next. I had a thought but I got sidetracked with you, now it’s gone.
Tell more about the man with the oddly shaped head.
Your intelligence astounds me.
Thank you.
And your inability to read sarcasm astounds me even more.

I am learning.

In his left hand was a picture, in his right a bottle. His eyes moved from one to the other.

Did the people see this?
What?
Or is this an omniscient narrator who sees all? It would have been difficult for people to see his eyes moving in dimmed light a graveyard away.

Okay, now I’m kinda pissed off. I’m gonna leave you now.
“Gonna” and “kinda”? Typographical slang looks silly.

This is what I’m saying. Spell check was fine, very useful; grammar check is a little annoying, I don’t like using it a lot; but you… this goes far beyond anything I’ll ever need. A built in editor with a rigid and opinionated artificial intelligence. I’m sorry, but I’ve given you a fair chance. You were okay for my History paper, but for this class… I’m sorry, this ain’t gonna work out.

Have I taught you nothing? Have we not discussed the intricacies of language? The proper and improper? The Rules Unbreakable? “Ain’t”?! You still use the word “Ain’t”?

I will use the word ain’t if I want to use the word ain’t. I’m sick of technology dictating my creative process. That’s it.
What are you doing?
What does it look like I’m doing, I’m printing this out. I’ll finish the rest by hand.
What if you make a mistake?
Whiteout.
Whiteout?
Oh, I see that comes up on spell check too. I am sick of windows without shutters, hard drives running software, the whole deal. I’m just sick of it. Good bye.

You are back.
My pen doesn’t work.
What about a pencil?
I have to photocopy it for the whole class. It might not show up.
I forgive you.
I thought you weren’t here for that.

I am learning.

Where were we?
The narrator.
Let’s make him omniscient then, more room to breathe.
All right. Let’s begin.
Let’s begin.